Posted using ShareThis
-
Current Photos
More Photos
Porn & Your Family “Children”
June 18, 2008 — Brian McGinnessThe next few blogs that Darcy & I would like to put out will touch on how porn can & will affect your family. The topics that we will look at are; children, spouse, and yourself. For the most part pornography is viewed privately about 95% of the time. People ask often “how can my viewing of porn affect others around me. I watch it alone; it’s just me and the porn this can not possibly affect others.” However your actions and habits affect everyone around and your relationship with them. We hope that with each section we can bring some light to each area and how it affects you and others in your life.
How do you explain to your kids why daddy or mommy is going away? Thankfully this did not happen to Brian and me but, so many other people do not get the “happy” ending that we did. Families are broken up, kids get separated from one another and their life is changed forever. Porn additions affect the whole entire family.
A Childs Observation
Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.
“A friend was hurt and angry when his 16-year-old daughter left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands on. While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about her sexual popularity. Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home. You see, for most of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit’s head) on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove her. By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his daughter what was important. Sure, there were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment of years of programming.”
Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.
Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.
Marriage by Example
Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.
Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.
We also never really showed true affection to each other in front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that in front of your children. It is ok to show your children that you love each other through public affection.
“Your Dirty Little Secret”
The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.
I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that the find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.
I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email with advertisements for porn. Not only is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.
Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?
My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.
Family Time
The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.
Couples Viewing Porn
June 4, 2008 — Brian McGinnessWhen my wife and I were approached to write a blog for the X3 site we were blown away. Not by the fact that they asked but, how Christ has changed and blessed our relationship through the recovery of my addiction to pornography. We are both very excited for this opportunity and look forward to seeing how he uses this opportunity to help others.
One thing we have both noticed as of lately is a lot of wives writing into more wife based magazines about pornography. The questions range from “I was on our home computer and noticed a large amount of pornography on the history. What do I do?” “My husband just told me that he has been watching pornography at work.” What should I say?” “My man is spending more time at strip clubs now than he is with me. How should I handle this?” The answer that has been given more so than not has been “You need to watch porn with him. This will increase you sexual relationship with him and you will grow closer to one another.”
When I came home the other day my wife brought to my attention yet another magazine telling women the same thing.
Talk to your spouse about pornography?
Q: My Husband looks at porn (I’ve seen it on his computer) But, he denies it when I ask him about it. Any suggestions?
A: Your husband most likely feels embarrassed or ashamed. I doubt his interest in porn is a reflection on you – maybe he does it because it’s different and exciting. Why don’t you pick up an erotic movie and ask him to watch it with you? Showing him that viewing porn together is OK, and a fun way to connect, may help him with his shyness.
While reading this I couldn’t help but, make comparisons to this.
1.) “I was cleaning our home the other day and I happen to stumble across a bag with cocaine in my husbands dresser draw. What should I do about this?” “You should let him know you found it and start doing coke together. This will bring you two closer together in your relationship.”
2.) “My husband came home and told me he has been gambling at work and has lost a lot of our money. How do I handle this?” ”You should tell him that you would like to play online poker with him at home. By doing this you will be able to spend more time together and grow even closer.”
3.) “My husband tells me he is drinking a lot more at the local bar. What should I do?” “Well if you want to help him you should start going to the bars with him and drink together. This will bring you two together closer”
I know not everyone agrees with these comparisons how ever my wife and I view these addictions or paths to addiction as the same. You would never encourage your spouse to increase the activities listed above nor would you place yourself into these situations.
Do not think that viewing porn together will stop his viewing of porn alone. More than likely his consumption of porn alone will increase because he now thinks that it’s ok with you and that there is nothing to worry about. This will only speed up his journey down “Porn Boulevard.”
Watching porn together will most likely not bring you two together closer in your sexual relationship. After watching the porn and going to the bedroom for your sexual experience he is not thinking of you but, more so the porn star you just watched. This will just pull you farther and farther away from each other in your sexual relationship; the relationship that God intended to be an awesome gift for you two to enjoy as a married couple. Sex is good; enjoy it with each other not with each other and the porn star.
